Englischer Humor!
32 Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar
- 1) Don’t abbrev.
- 2) Check to see if you any words out.
- 3) Be careful to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
- 4) Don’t use no double negatives.
- 5) Just between You and I, case is important.
- 6) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
- 7) Don’t use commas, they aren’t necessary.
- 8) It’s important to use apostrophe’s right.
- 9) It’s better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
- 10) Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.
- 11) A sentence should begin with a capital and end with a stop
- 12) Use hyphens in compound-words, not just any two-word phrase.
- 13) In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
- 14) Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
- 15) Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
- 16) Don’t write a run-on sentence you’ve got punctuate it.
- 17) A preposition isn’t a good thing to end a sentence with.
- 18) Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)
- 19) And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
- 20) Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
- 21) Be more or less specific.
- 22) Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary
- 23) Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
- 24) Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
- 25) Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- 26) One should NEVER generalize.
- 27) Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
- 28) One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- 29) Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
- 30) Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
- 31) Who needs rhetorical questions?
- 32) Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
It’s tough being a man...
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and so something about it.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it’s wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it’s self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert.
If you don’t, you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist.
If you don’t, you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself.
If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you’re oversexed.
If you don’t, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN…THEY WANT TO!!
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION AND HEALTH
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
6. The French drink excessive amounts of all wines and eat copious quantities of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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