Humour anglais!
The Ark
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhuman to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
32 Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar
- 1) Don’t abbrev.
- 2) Check to see if you any words out.
- 3) Be careful to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
- 4) Don’t use no double negatives.
- 5) Just between You and I, case is important.
- 6) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
- 7) Don’t use commas, they aren’t necessary.
- 8) It’s important to use apostrophe’s right.
- 9) It’s better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
- 10) Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.
- 11) A sentence should begin with a capital and end with a stop
- 12) Use hyphens in compound-words, not just any two-word phrase.
- 13) In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
- 14) Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
- 15) Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
- 16) Don’t write a run-on sentence you’ve got punctuate it.
- 17) A preposition isn’t a good thing to end a sentence with.
- 18) Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)
- 19) And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
- 20) Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
- 21) Be more or less specific.
- 22) Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary
- 23) Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
- 24) Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
- 25) Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- 26) One should NEVER generalize.
- 27) Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
- 28) One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- 29) Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
- 30) Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
- 31) Who needs rhetorical questions?
- 32) Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
It’s tough being a man...
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and so something about it.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it’s wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it’s self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert.
If you don’t, you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist.
If you don’t, you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself.
If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you’re oversexed.
If you don’t, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN…THEY WANT TO!!
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION AND HEALTH
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
6. The French drink excessive amounts of all wines and eat copious quantities of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
| Français | Franglais | Anglais |
Parlez-vous anglais ? |
Douille housse pic n'glisse ? |
Do you speak english ? |
Etes-vous prêt ? |
Ail ou radis ? |
Are you ready ? |
L'addition |
Débile |
The bill |
Félicitations ! |
Qu'on gratte tous les jeunes ! |
Congratulations ! |
Passer un coup de fil personnel |
Ma queue perd son alcool |
Make a personal call |
Un peu de féminisme :
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the woman up with cookies. (Unknown)
!The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin-
Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-
